“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” C.S. Lewis
It has been too long since my last post, I know…
In the last year so much has happened, both good and not so good. Now, I feel like I am finally ready to talk about it and share my experiences with you in hopes that you would learn from them. I certainly have, finally. So, getting straight into it let’s chat about the ‘not so good’ – break ups.
Most of us have been through break ups and we know that they are never easy and are always painful. Break ups do not just represent loss of a relationship but, also the loss of commitments and shared dreams. When these relationships end, we experience stress, disappointment and loneliness. We’ve been through sleepless nights where the thought of our ex would not leave us. Come to think of it, it’s a little ironic – many of us would like to think we’re prepared for this kind of loss especially when we see it coming from a distance.
Break ups get so complicated and always involve more than just you and your partner. There is a cacophony of voices; concerned (and at times irked and protective) friends and parental wisdom all commanding us to let go – You deserve better, why are you being so considerate of their feelings when they have not considered yours? You’re wasting your time, he’ll hurt you again and don’t say I didn’t tell you so, how desperate are you? You let it get this far… it goes on!!! It is enough to drive you insane. However, these voices may have some rationality to it. I mean it’s the right and logical thing to do – Let go and move on.
I was hurt, disappointed, angry and caught between loving and hating the person. Not a day went by where I didn’t cross examine myself, my faults, our relationship, things I should have and should not have done, things I could have done to fix it. I went back and forth in my head deciding on whether to work things out or not. One day I’d be fine and the next a hot mess and most of the time it was because I let other people influence my decision. Of course, they had my best interest at heart and would never want to see me hurt again. I spent months in this self – absorbed paralysis and as much as tried to get myself out of it, I wouldn’t let myself. Something kept me there. Eventually, after many conversations, arguments and tears, I found my own voice and started making decisions for myself. There is no revelation or quick fix, but there is a gradual learning and realization after all the chaos.
Yes, this all sounds so dramatic. In that moment it may not be the end of the world, but it most definitely feels like it’s the end of your world. Now that I’m in a space where I am happier then ever and more at peace with myself and the situation, let me share a few of my tips that will hopefully help you through a break up or hardship:
- Keep yourself occupied, but don’t run away from the problem. Once you find a hobby that you enjoy, you will slowly forget the bad and focus on what makes you smile and happy.
- Please avoid stalking your ex… please. Trust me, keeping tabs on what they are up to will most likely make you feel worse because you expect them to feel what you are feeling. And we know that expectations lead to disappointments.
- Do not trash talk your ex or let everyone know the details of what use to be a relationship (of course, confide in those most close to you). It makes things a million times worse.
- If you ever happened to bump into your ex, be it at a party or a mall, be civil. Not saying you need to go out of your way to greet them or be super nice to them. You can do one of two things; acknowledge him/her (with a head nod. I’m kidding, please don’t) or ignore them.
- Take time. Take all the time you need. There is no time limit to healing and finding yourself. However, don’t let it go on for too long that you lose yourself further and land yourself in a deeper pit than you initially got yourself in.
- Never regret. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “Never regret what once made you smile.” We live and we learn. You win some, you lose some.
- Last but not least, pray. No matter what religion you are, you will always find solace in prayer. Pray to be healed, pray for your ex and pray for the power of forgiveness. You can only truly move on once you have forgiven. Forgiveness can do one of two things; heal your relationship or help you move on.
It is really clichéd but, this is the time where you learn more about yourself and how far you’re willing to go to compromise your happiness. Look, no book, person or blog post can help you get over a break up, except you. Know that you can only truly rely on yourself. Plus, you have to get through the bad ones to find your forever, right?
girl about town