Just Me, Myself & I…

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So, BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” Elizebeth Gilbert

This quote really hit me hard and I think it has now more than ever. What I have come to learn is that loneliness has a lot to do with our perceptions – it’s possible to feel a sense of loneliness even though you’re surrounded by people you may know and also (the most obvious) to feel alone with little to no social contact.

Over the last few months I had experienced an overwhelming sense of loneliness, triggered by the chaos around COVID and the lockdowns it has to offer. My personal tipping point was the extension of working from home and celebrating some of the bigger holidays (such as Christmas and the New Year) in a more isolated manner which got the best of me. But, it was in these dark moments that I was forced to move out of my comfort zone and find out more about Lisa. I was forced to learn how to truly be alone without having to put the blame on anyone else for feeling the way I do. I had to learn to take control of these feelings and become comfortable with myself, enough to want to enjoy my own company even more!

This is not for the faint hearted (haha, but seriously). The interesting part about this self discovery was that I felt like I no longer had to unnecessarily fill my life with people just for the sake of not wanting to be alone. Mind you this realization only happened around my twenty-ninth birthday. Every year before this, it was weeks of planning a crazy birthday celebration; putting together lists of people to invite, booking venues or large dinners with friends (and acquaintances) just to feel like you matter or that you are worthy of being celebrated. Truth is, with or without those people – it’s still just you and you STILL should be celebrating just YOU and you alone. As mentioned earlier, we can feel lonely even when surrounded by people we think care for us – chances are the reason you’re feeling lonely (despite the abundance in company) is because you don’t feel connected to the people surrounding you.

Yasis, this was me and it led to unhealthy and toxic relationships throughout my life, bad judgement of character or ignoring the character that they are and continue to still “need” their company to avoid being alone. I had to remind myself that these were temporary spurts of happiness that I kept pursuing to try and avoid this sense of loneliness. I want to call it an addiction – an addiction for constant reminding of your worth and value by other people that don’t necessarily care for you or know you.

Becoming my own best friend has definitely taught me a lot. It’s not an easy journey and sometimes you don’t ask to be put on this journey. But my advice to you is to embrace it. Embrace every moment you’re alone, every breath, every tear and every smile that you give yourself. Being alone is a superpower and once you master that superpower – anyone or anything that attempts to disturb that will lose… Every. Single. Time.

xx

girl about town

“Resilience: You experience, you feel, you fail, you hurt, you fall. But, you keep going.”

This year (for me) has been anything but predictable; a global freaking pandemic, break ups (yes, again…FML),  I lost my Gran, work has been crazy, family feuds, I bust my chin open (6 stitches bitches) and then of course, to spice things up, I had experienced an array of emotional breakdowns. Giiiirrrrl, all that and you still standing?

It really was a lot to take in this year. It left me feeling sorry for myself, lonely, misunderstood and damn useless. The cherry on top was that I recently turned twenty-nine, nowhere close to being married and I live with my parents. The plan I set for myself when I was sixteen was to qualify with my degree at twenty – three (check), have my first job at twenty – four (check), move out of my parents house at twenty-five (here is where I completely missed the boat), get married at twenty-seven and have two kids by the time I’m at least thirty. LAUGH OUT LOUD. This may have worked for some of you (which is great!) and not so much for the rest of us (that’s ok, keep reading).

I kept asking myself the question though – if I had gotten married at twenty-seven, would I have been happier? Truth is, I really don’t know and I don’t think it would have made me feel better, I don’t think it would have fixed my uncertainties and doubts. I take a look back at the twenty-seven year old me – this sheltered, naïve, little Indian girlypop – and the only reason I wanted those things was because everyone around me were achieving my dreams. What was worse is that I felt like I was being used as a stepping stone so that other people can achieve those dreams.

I honestly thought I was being dealt the hardest hand. But here it is Ladies and Gentlemen, “You cannot change the cards you are dealt, just the way you play the hand.” This realization only hit me yesterday (it’s a silly yet simple story but, it put a lot into perspective for me.). Let me tell you how; yesterday afternoon I had popped by to visit my best friend who then suggested we play a game of Thunee (if you know, you know) with her Dad and Uncle. Bear in mind, that these two men were old timers in this game and who also took it very, very seriously. Naturally, we were nervous but played anyway. First hand, we messed up and claimed a hand that was not ours (fourball!). Next, I played my highest card (my bad) in favour of my opposition. It was my turn to trump and of course I had the worst cards ever and found myself calling “last card” almost every second deal. The score at this point was 6 – 2 to the opposing team. My friend and I were frustrated. It was almost like we were playing very different games compared to our opposition. There were times where we had no trump and were dealt the crappiest cards. My friend and I let out a heavy and defeated sigh. We eventually caught up but, we are neck and neck. We were on corner house with the last hand to go. Every card we played next was careful and strategic. By the skin of our teeth, we won. My friend jumped up and celebrated and then went on to say “Ok, I’m going to tell everyone we beat you now!!!” It was in that moment I realized “shit man, how did we win that?” and the answer was simple – we were resilient. Despite all the mistakes we made, despite the people we played, despite the circumstances we were in… we won.

Look, it’s such a simple story and probably won’t make sense to a lot of people but, my point is, we each received a set of cards uncertain of what the next person has. Sometimes one got luckier than the other, sometimes it was just a string of bad cards. And sometimes we thought that the next person always has a better set of cards. Truth is, we all can’t have what others have. Nothing ever goes according to plan, there will always be those that cut your hand and sweep it away without any cause, there will be times when someone or something comes in and disrupts your plan…

..but baby girl, they don’t know how resilient you really are…

xx

girl about town

Let go & Move On

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” C.S. Lewis

It has been too long since my last post, I know…

In the last year so much has happened, both good and not so good. Now, I feel like I am finally ready to talk about it and share my experiences with you in hopes that you would learn from them. I certainly have, finally. So, getting straight into it let’s chat about the ‘not so good’ – break ups.

Most of us have been through break ups and we know that they are never easy and are always painful. Break ups do not just represent loss of a relationship but, also the loss of commitments and shared dreams. When these relationships end, we experience stress, disappointment and loneliness. We’ve been through sleepless nights where the thought of our ex would not leave us. Come to think of it, it’s a little ironic – many of us would like to think we’re prepared for this kind of loss especially when we see it coming from a distance.

Break ups get so complicated and always involve more than just you and your partner. There is a cacophony of voices; concerned (and at times irked and protective) friends and parental wisdom all commanding us to let go – You deserve better, why are you being so considerate of their feelings when they have not considered yours? You’re wasting your time, he’ll hurt you again and don’t say I didn’t tell you so, how desperate are you? You let it get this far… it goes on!!! It is enough to drive you insane. However, these voices may have some rationality to it. I mean it’s the right and logical thing to do – Let go and move on.

I couldn’t.

I was hurt, disappointed, angry and caught between loving and hating the person. Not a day went by where I didn’t cross examine myself, my faults, our relationship, things I should have and should not have done, things I could have done to fix it. I went back and forth in my head deciding on whether to work things out or not. One day I’d be fine and the next a hot mess and most of the time it was because I let other people influence my decision. Of course, they had my best interest at heart and would never want to see me hurt again. I spent months in this self – absorbed paralysis and as much as tried to get myself out of it, I wouldn’t let myself. Something kept me there. Eventually, after many conversations, arguments and tears, I found my own voice and started making decisions for myself. There is no revelation or quick fix, but there is a gradual learning and realization after all the chaos.

Yes, this all sounds so dramatic. In that moment it may not be the end of the world, but it most definitely feels like it’s the end of your world. Now that I’m in a space where I am happier then ever and more at peace with myself and the situation, let me share a few of my tips that will hopefully help you through a break up or hardship:

• Keep yourself occupied, but don’t run away from the problem. Once you find a hobby that you enjoy, you will slowly forget the bad and focus on what makes you smile and happy.
• Please avoid stalking your ex… please. Trust me, keeping tabs on what they are up to will most likely make you feel worse because you expect them to feel what you are feeling. And we know that expectations lead to disappointments.
• Do not trash talk your ex or let everyone know the details of what use to be a relationship (of course, confide in those most close to you). It makes things a million times worse.
• If you ever happened to bump into your ex, be it at a party or a mall, be civil. Not saying you need to go out of your way to greet them or be super nice to them. You can do one of two things; acknowledge him/her (with a head nod. I’m kidding, please don’t) or ignore them.
• Take time. Take all the time you need. There is no time limit to healing and finding yourself. However, don’t let it go on for too long that you lose yourself further and land yourself in a deeper pit than you initially got yourself in.
• Never regret. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “Never regret what once made you smile.” We live and we learn. You win some, you lose some.
• Last but not least, pray. No matter what religion you are, you will always find solace in prayer. Pray to be healed, pray for your ex and pray for the power of forgiveness. You can only truly move on once you have forgiven. Forgiveness can do one of two things; heal your relationship or help you move on.

It is really clichéd but, this is the time where you learn more about yourself and how far you’re willing to go to compromise your happiness. Look, no book, person or blog post can help you get over a break up, except you. Know that you can only truly rely on yourself. Plus, you have to get through the bad ones to find your forever, right?

xx

girl about town

 

 

 

 

Finding Your Inner Peace…

It’s harder than it sounds!

I have lived my life failing to understand that inner peace is a choice. I have been through what feels like a never ending roller coaster of emotions, hardships and disappointments. Yes, yes a little dramatic but, in these situations you do tend to exaggerate and feel sorry for yourself. I’m here to tell you that finding inner peace can only be achieved by you and you alone. It is not dependent on anyone else or anything else.

Finding this inner peace is something that you have to consistently work at and practice in every situation. For example, driving to work everyday – we probably come across a driver who either cuts across you, does not indicate etc. and we find ourselves in a fit of rage and frustration that it ultimately sets the tone for the rest of our day. We reach the office and find ourselves complaining to our colleagues about the incident which infuriates us even more. Ask yourself this; has it made you feel any better complaining about it? Has it solved anything? Is it helping you do your job? In the end, you have to wake up the next morning and drive to work all over again – so don’t make it unpleasant for yourself or allow others to make it unpleasant for you.

I always thought that inner peace could only ever be achieved by monks (naïve, I know) or anyone living a reclusive lifestyle who didn’t not have the day-to-day pressures. But, as I got older I learned that inner peace is about acceptance. It is what it is. Accept that your boss is nasty, accept that you cannot control every situation, accept that there will be traffic every morning, BUT DO NOT LET IT DEFINE YOU OR DEFEAT YOU. Accepting is one thing, but don’t give up. Confusing, right? Finding  balance is the hard part, but as a start know that the only person you can change is yourself and your reaction.

In situations where you are finding yourself emotional and overwhelmed, you will notice that your mind becomes clouded and you aren’t able to think rationally. It builds up even more and you find yourself completely defeated. There is a lot of negative energy and insanity in this world, but we can learn to live with inner peace. It begins with you and becoming aware of who you truly are; always keep in mind that you are loved, practice kindness and positivity (you’ll notice it is so much easier to say horrible things than it is saying nice things – try not to say the ugly things because you’re just feeding your inner demon) and most of all love yourself. Love yourself first, so that in turn you can give that same love and peace to the people around you.

I hope you find the happiness and peace you deserve…

xx

girl about town

 

 

I don’t know what I want to do, but I know the type of Woman I want to be

Influential, Self Belief, Persistent, Independent, Selfless, Patient, Loving, Accepting of my Flaws, Ambitious, Helpful, Humility.

Now that I have completed my Honours Degree, I am still so uncertain of what I want to do and where I want to go. I became overwhelmed with the pressures of finding a job and didn’t know what type of job I wanted within my field. So, I took a step back and self reflected. I needed to find out what type of person I wanted to become. I needed to find out the type of Woman I aspire to be.

Some of the most influential Women in History have changed the opinions and actions of others. Jordan’s Queen Noor, Simone de Beauvoir and Doris Lessing are just a few of the Women who have had an impact globally and who has had a positive influence. Most of their work and teachings had been sustained over time and best of all these Women represent many professions and cultures.

I would most definitely want to be as influential. However, with being influential comes responsibility and many other traits. As mentioned above, self belief is but the most essential of them all. If you don’t believe you can succeed, then you won’t get very far. Ultimately, if you think you can, then you can and if you don’t, then you’re probably right. Self belief together with confidence is what will get you the trust and respect from your peers.

Many Women are constantly wanting to change the way they look. It’s not necessarily a bad thing as it can be for the best however, it becomes a problem when the change they want impacts their mind, body and soul. Remember, there is always going to be someone who is prettier than you, smarter than you and younger than you but no one is YOU. So, be accepting of your flaws. Once you have accepted them then no one can use them against you. You are strong when you know your weaknesses. Don’t let it hold you back or hinder your progress.

Be persistent – NEVER GIVE UP! Of course there will be days when you fee like giving up. When you’re down, take a step back and remind yourself of your goals and what you have achieved thus far. Ambition is just as important. You really have to want something if you are going to succeed.

Every Woman strives to be independent. Ultimately, you have yourself to fall back on. Thus, it is exceedingly important to be able to handle things on your own. Being independent means being secure with who you are and your beliefs. It is most empowering knowing that you have control of your life and the choices you make.

There are a few other qualities that every Woman should possess. Patience is key. Good things come to those who wait. And when it comes, it would have been worth the wait. Help when you can because the result from helping is most rewarding. Always be humble. Never be afraid to admit  that you do not know something. Humility makes you more influential.

Let’s be the New Women that push the limits set by society. It is not just about being a Woman anymore. It is the type of Woman you choose to be.

A First for Everything… And Blogging it is!

I wanted to believe that blogging would be an easy task, but then I discovered that I really don’t have much to blog about. Furthermore, who would read about what I have to say…if I had something to say???

So, where do I begin with a blog? Does everybody start as clueless?

Before these blogs, there were personal diaries. You would buy yourself a blank book and put pen to paper. If you were like me, you would stare at the first page for hours, wondering exactly what you should write about. It had to be brilliant, witty, and wise. That first page was your introduction and it set the tone for the rest of the diary. My first diary had one entire sentence in it. Just one. I hid that diary somewhere in my cupboard so no one could see how inadequate I was.

But let me not make the same mistake. Inadequate and all… Here I go 🙂

girl about town is a piece of me. It deals with fashion and my style, cultures and lifestyles. It’s what I enjoy doing, my experiences, the things I like, the things I don’t like, what makes me sad and happy, even angry. It’s my passions and hobbies, my favourite people and what I care about the most.

girl about town is my piece of paradise. My Universo Paralello.